Happy New Year

happy new year,
they say to me.
but today feels just
like yesterday did—
another now
for me to embrace—
and again i fail
to understand the rules.

happy new year, i reply,
feeling guilty and diseased
because i know my lie
hangs in the air
like an acrid smoke
and stings their faces
like a slap.

i love you, i add,
which is true
because i do,
and because loving people
even when i can't understand them
has always been easy.

happy new year and
i love you, i pronounce,
happy to have sown the seeds
of a glorious truth in the
fertile ground of my lie.

thank yous echo back to me
and happy new years spill my way,
and my i love yous lay in shards,
broken, on the ground,
obstacles to navigate,
awkward and dangerous,
like me.